If you’ve ever laid down a boundary with someone where there wasn’t one before then you know the discomfort that quickly follows.
It can be gut-wrenching.
The person for whom you have surprised with your new-found boundary placement is not going to be your biggest fan at that moment. But don’t fret, this is par for the course when you go from sacrificing your needs for them to standing firm in honoring your self-love code.
Falling in Love With You
This month we are focusing on self-love and what it means to really love you. Each week we will dive into the self-love waters and the barriers that keep us from truly loving who we are right now, as is. Nothing says I love me like healthy boundaries can. Not in a egocentric kind of way but in a soul kind of way.
The ego wants to keep you in infected with the need-to-please disease. Whereas your spirit is always honoring you and comes alive when your daily actions honor you as well.
What does it look like to have boundaries?
Boundaries do not have to be big trenches in the sand. (Though at times they need to be!) They can be little marks outlining the edge of what is acceptable to you. For example, you may be comfortable with someone using your laptop, but don’t want them to have your password.
Boundaries are how you define how you love yourself and honor yourself within relationships. No one can know and respect your boundaries until you do.
What’s love got to do with it?
To know what’s acceptable to you, you’ve got to know what you need to take care of yourself. This is how you lovingly honor who you are.
This sounds simple, but so many of us are walking around not knowing what we truly need, much less giving it to ourselves. When we don’t know what we truly need in relationships and life in general then it’s really difficult to know where to hold a boundary. We give the love away that we deeply crave for ourselves. Lines get blurred and soon we’re giving from a dried up dusty well.
The discomfort leads you to knowing your self-love code
By now you know I am a big journal advocate. Journaling saved me from myself a few years ago. To read what was in my heart was truly mind blowing. Until I wrote it out I didn’t really know what was hidden in the crevices of my soul. Sounds deep because it was. Wading through that was the first step to creating healthy boundaries in my life.
And boy did I create boundaries. Many of my relationships exploded. Meaning blew up, disappeared, went bye-bye.
My newfound self-love and boundaries could not live in the same room with many of the people I shared my life with. And that was really, really hard, but really really okay at the same time.
Anytime you go from not honoring your self-love code to honoring it, and then you lay some boundaries down that piss some people off it’s going to feel scary, unnerving and even lonely. It’s new behavior and it’s on shaky ground because it’s new. But keep going, because you’re rewriting your life story.
Boundaries are the way you take care of you. If there are some relationships that need some boundaries it may feel unnatural at first. This is a natural part of the process.
Daily Self-Love Creates Boundary Awareness
This month I started a self-love journal. It’s a tiny journal I keep in my purse (you can use Notes on your phone.) And in it I write down the things I do throughout the day that are for me out of love.
Not only does it keep me aware of how I’m loving me, but it is also a great way to reinforce my boundaries and give myself permission to ask for help.
Just today I got the dreaded “your kid is sick” call. I love my kids and I love my job. And since I get to set my own hours at my job I can easily push that aside if I don’t have boundaries. So today, instead of dropping everything and running to my daughter’s side I asked her dad to get her. Simple idea, but one that a few years ago I would have not considered. My kids always came before me. Before I had a strong set of boundaries, that is.
Boundaries are Needed in Every Relationship
Yes, we even need boundaries with our kids. Perhaps especially with our kids. (They will suck you dry faster than they can drain a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.) Not because they are vicious little creatures, but because we are their go-to. It’s up to us to show them how far we can actually go.
Every relationship we have needs healthy boundaries, including the relationship we keep with ourselves.
You Got to Show Me Love: Take the Self-Love Journal Challenge
An easy yet effective way to get to know where you stand with you is to keep a journal of how you love yourself everyday.
The February Challenge: Each day for the rest of the month write down what you do during the day that shows YOU love.
This can look like eating or drinking something good for your body, or taking time out for a walk, or deciding not to get involved in the Super Bowl Halftime Show debate, or changing a negative thought to positive. Whatever it is, even taking a few seconds and noticing how you feel loved by you and writing it down will increase your boundary making muscles. The more you pay attention to how you feel loved by you the more you are apt to do it.
Here’s me and my tiny little self-love journal. (Big love on the inside.)
If you decide to take the self-love journal challenge be sure to post a picture in our Danielle’s Brave Ones private Facebook group. (Not a member of that group, then come on over. It’s free and offers encouragement not only from me but from others in the group.)
Knowing Your Self-Love Code = Knowing Your Boundaries
As you jot down your random acts of self-love you’re going to get crystal clear on what your self-love code is. This is the code that leads to healthy boundaries. So don’t be surprised if you notice some places in relationships that are in need of a healthy boundary or two. It’s okay! In fact, honor your newfound knowledge. Boundaries aren’t about making people mad, they are all about honoring your truth. Any relationship that is based on love will thrive with healthy boundaries in place. It may need some adjustment time, but trust in the process. It will take you to higher love.
I’ll see you next week for our second installment of self-love month. In the meanwhile, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below. And if someone you know could benefit from these words, please share.
With so much boundary loving love for you,